F

I feel like a failure.  I'm a coward,  a nobody,  a lazy bitch.
I don't deserve.
I just want to kill myself.
Fuck

Purge

Today for the first time in a long while,  I cried due to sadness. It can be so hard to always act happy and carefree when in reality, I feel so lonely and rejected.  The sheer weight of all the problems adding up is making my anxiety feel worse. Today I tried to help others but unintentionally theyhurt me. Also deadlines coming up make me feel like I truly am worthless. So far  nothing is going right with my life and I am running out of jokes to cover up my despair.
 I am so lost. Help...

Incompetent

These days, it feels like everything's been hitting me one after another. The more bruised I get, the more I retract away and hide. I feel so incompetent and it's eating out my self-confidence.

I need to re-motivate myself... re-energize myself...

Murphy's law.

rushing

I am so fucked for tomorrow. In a sense this is also my fault for not booking appointments earlier and just assuming things will get done on the same day.
I'm already having troubles scheduling my times... I don't know how long I'll last.

Also - the list of the True Friends is emerging. I keep on thinking about the best of people when I should've learned not to expect anything from others because in the end, these people will disappoint you.

I really need the confidence to pull this off.

Melancholic/ I Must Be Dreaming

I've been feeling helpless these past few days.
Everything seems to be going well, but I fear that I may not be physically able to accomplish my goals.
Afterwhich... where will these short term goals lead me?
I am still waiting for my calling.
Maybe that's my mistake - because I've been waiting.
I fear failure. I feel that I won't fail. Am I making excuses for myself?
Growth choices... growth choices...
All the while, procrastinating.......
So tired. I just want to get this life over with.

Pursuit of Happiness and The Burdens Thereof

There are times when there is no reason that a person feels depressed or down or melancholic. It may be the final accumulation of all the stresses that have been bogging down that person's spirit, or 1 big underlying problem that he/she may or may not be aware of. In a sense, it is similar to having a ghost sitting on top of your shoulder, an additional burden that remains invisible and almost seems impossible to get rid of, because you have no idea of its existence in the first place.

But what if one does know about the problem(s)? This, we can call denial, ignorance or procrastination.

Why do you let yourself be enslaved by the workings of a series of unfortunate events?
There is a reason why we, as people, are mobile -- it is a reflection and a measure of our potential to be active, not only in the physical sense but also in our thought processes, and that involves decision-making and setting priorities for one's self.

We need to try to be happy. If we don't make the initiative, then what else is there for us to hold on to, to follow and chase? If we remain dormant, then there is nothing else for the universe to act on, but its own laws -- that of increasing disorder. Then, your life will end up a chaotic mess of regret and longing and suspended depression.

Testing Patience

There are moments in your lives where you are given the opportunity to test the relationships you have. I would say that 'this'/ 'right now' is one of those points in my life. I never decline the chance to figure out who my true friends are, who truly understand and empathize with me. It is a tough exam for the people around me, especially since they don't even know that they are being tested.
But that's just how it is - every single day is a pop quiz, and your examinees may range from the being you believe is "God" to the peddler you shooed away at the corner of Queen St.
This is a burden my friends will (never/ not) know and continue to carry as long as they remain in my radius.
Have I figured out their true nature? Not yet.
I would say I'm pretty generous with my second chances.